Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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