I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
