i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
