I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
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Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
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some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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