If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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