i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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