So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
