woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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