If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
