she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
