really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
