Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
