apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she told me i tasted like america
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
