he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
