either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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