Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
