You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
