your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
