Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
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I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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