Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
