Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
