walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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