I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Randomize
