He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
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I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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