If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
