So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
