me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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