I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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