Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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