Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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