you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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