Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
