I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
