Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
