So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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