I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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