when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm going to jail i love you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
