He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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