when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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