Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
