Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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