Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
