Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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