then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
