i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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