That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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