Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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