My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
