I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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