burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
