Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
