i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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