then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
babies were throwing up all over the place
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
