life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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