My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
