im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
