hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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